Dreaming

Widows and widowers often hope for their departed person to visit their dreams. I’m convinced they likely do more than any of us remember, but often you can hear a widow lament they “never” dream of the one they miss the most. I’ve had a few dreams with Dan, amd they are always comforting and loving.

A few nights in a row now, regardless of when I head to sleep, I’ve found myself waking almost on the dot at 3:30am. The time has no known significance for me in regards to Dan, he passed on a Tuesday evening close to 8pm. But the repetition of this waking hour is intriguing. Usually I doze back to sleep, or futz around thinking and eventually pass out.

A couple nights ago, after finally getting back to sleep I started dreaming. In the dream, someone told me (no idea who this was, a mysterious detached voice?) that Dan was here and healthy. I saw him, beard intact, smiling, and instantly felt that comfort that’s been missing for almost 14 months now. I was told we could spend the day together, doing anything we wanted. I don’t recall all of the activities, but I remember us laughing, having a great time, thoroughly enjoying each moment.

The end of the day approached and it was made known that this was a do-over of the last day Dan had alive, that instead of being sick he got to spend it with me, doing anything he wanted.  I was then given a choice.  I could take this day with me as a beautiful memory, and go back to the life I’ve been living without Dan, replacing the memory of the actual last day I had actually had with him.

My other option was to stay here, in this Groundhog Day like existence, redoing this day over and over again with Dan for eternity.

I woke up before I ever got to speak my choice.

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